When the obstacle before us seems impossible to surmount
Look at the larger picture.
It has been said that the word fear, is merely an anachronism for False Evidence Appearing Real.
There is another old expression… Something about “…having a tiger by the tail.”
Tigers are, by nature, predators. Meat eaters. Hunters. Their reactions are fairly predictable. If you COULD be stealthy enough to catch a full grown Bengal tiger by the tail, you would likely get a rude awakening! Most likely the tiger would leap to it’s feet and kill you. Or at least maul you. Tigers are predictable like that…
Fear is also perdictable. For most of us it has the same effect. It can paralyze, cause unwanted and unreasoned reactions, panic attacks, loss of appetite or too much appetite. On a deeper level it can cause stress that has a very adverse effect on the body. Those are all fairly predictable effects.
But where a tiger will ensure a predictably short but messy death, fear is, in many ways, a worse death. It can leave you a shell of yourself, metaphorically a zombie of ‘the walking dead.’ Shuffling along in your little rut, too filled with apathy and self loathing to even raiseyour ahead and see the possibilities around us. (we are actually AFRAID of the possibilities!)
So, WHAT do you do when the “dream-killer thoughts” come your way and tell you that you CAN NOT DO IT?
Well to conquer fear, you have to first embrace it! (unlike the tiger who definitely is not a big fan of hugs) And when I say embrace it, I mean you have to accept that; yes you are afraid, but you are going to proceed anyway. No matter what happens. If it makes you pee yourself, or throw up… C’est la vie, Mon Ami!
You have to get a little philosophical about it. For instance, accept the fact that it is going to be painful, and get on with doing whatever you are afraid of!
OK, so the tiger looks like he is going to pounce on you and kill you! SO WHAT! LET IT! because if you keep running from the tiger he will run us down and eat us anyway! So let’s get our primitive bow, arrows, and spear and hunt the tiger instead! Sure he may get us, but if we try to run, he most certainly will!
The whole above scenario is a good representation of fear, and what it does to us. We can run from whatever we are afraid of, but it will get us anyway.
Better to go down fighting. At least we have a chance. Running gives us no chance at all!
Read this if you are worried about Trump’s Lies…
No matter how much you do or sacrifice for a narcissist, it’s never enough.
How do you determine if your partner is a narcissist? Has it become severe or malignant?
There are answers to these questions.
The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic & Statistical Manual (DSM) describes Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) thus:
“A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:”
1.has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2.is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
3.believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4.requires excessive admiration
5.has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.
6.is inter-personally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
7.lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8.is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes. ~ DSM-5
I hope your partner does not meet any of the above criteria, but if they do rest assured you are not alone.
My personal Experience
From my personal experience of living with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder I would have to add:
- You can never satisfy a narcissist.
- No matter how much you do or sacrifice for a narcissist, it’s never enough. Someone with NPD requires a steady stream of praise and ‘ego boosting’ in order to maintain their fragile ego. Your efforts will not be appreciated, because in their mind it’s only what they deserve!
- It’s all about control.
- They cannot allow you to ‘be yourself’ unless it fits in with their narcissistic
- Their need to control your life extends to your decision making, your clothes, your home, your personal hygiene, your past, etc..
- They don’t love you
- they love what you do for them.
- they love how the relationship ‘makes’ them feel.
- they love ‘being in love‘ (but it’s not, not really)
- They love your financial status.
- they love your job. (that provides for them)
- they love having someone to ‘love’ (really just feeds their narcissism)
- they love a lot of things, just not YOU!
- They NEVER accept personal responsibility
- you hear a lot of statements like: “That wasn’t my fault”, “That (or they) made me so mad!” “I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t done what you did!” Ad infinitum, Ad nauseum….
- Declaring that it’s not THEIR fault the relationship is in trouble, a narcissist will go back years into your relationship and cite examples of something YOU did, as a defense. (my first relationship with a narcissist ended with a 57 page letter about all the things I had done wrong in the 17 years of our marriage) Things that had never been an issue before, and these ‘examples’ are always something YOU did that ‘made’ them feel the way they do.
- You. Can. Not. Reason. With. Them. Period. Another dead giveaway, trying to reason with someone suffering from NPD only produces increased resistance to, and rejection of, you and your ideas.
- This means they are adamant that they are right and you are wrong. If you should be so foolish to offer proof of your assertions, thinking you are dealing with a logical person, they will either change the subject, or accuse you of ‘twisting everything around.’
- Your primary reason for existence is their happiness.
- Self-interest. Characterized by concern only for their own interests and welfare, a narcissist sees nothing wrong with taking advantage of opportunities without regard for the consequences to others.
- You CAN, and WILL BE, replaced.
- Since your primary reason for existence (in their mind) is to provide them with the things they ‘need’, (because of their condition)a narcissist will stay in the relationship only as long as they are getting what they want/need. A narcissist has no personal loyalty to you, only to their own ‘needs’ via what you provide to supply that need.
- And remember; the list will continue to grow, and the demands will only increase in scope and size as time passes. The narcissistic appetite for validation only increases. you cannot fix them.
- Lies are perfectly acceptable (their lies, not yours)
- Since a narcissist has no loyalty to anything but their own appetites, and need for validation, their primary goal is to maintain the sources of said appetites and validations.
- Anything is acceptable as a means to the end, up to and including lying.
- If they have a strong inner ethic against lying, as they sometimes do, a narcissist may use evasions, avoidance, or irrational explanations,and save outright lies as a last resort.
- Usually exhibits strong personality traits
- Because of the fragility of their ego, and their diminutive self-worth, a narcissist will often over-emphasize, and discourse often and at length about their own exploits in any given conversation. Not really interested in what you may know or have to say, they can always ‘one-up’ you with a story about how they were stronger, smarter, better, etc..
- A narcissist is quite often forceful in expressing their opinions, and as mentioned above, adamant that they are right.
- Takes advantage of others
- In my experience, a narcissist usually sees absolutely nothing wrong with taking advantage of anyone, and everyone, around them. And why would they? Refer to point number 6. Your reason for existence, in their world, is to provide them with something they want. Once again, it’s about control!
- a narcissist is usually very skilled in the manipulation of others, evaluating their ‘victims’ and noting their strengths, weaknesses, and blind spots for exploitation.
Donna Anderson of lovefraud.com Has an EXCELLENT article I suggest you read offering 10 reasons why you might be targeted by a Narcissist. She uses the term Sociopath, and definitions of the word vary. I include her list because I have experienced ALL these symptoms from the various Narcissists I have known in my 59 years.
“If a narcissist has targeted you, it’s because you have something that he or she wants. Often it’s money, but not always. Here are 10 more things that the sociopath may want:
- Sex Sociopaths crave stimulation, and sex is highly stimulating, so they pursue it. However, sociopaths are not slaves to their physical urges. They often use sex primarily as a tool of manipulation to get something else that they want.
- Services Sociopaths may want you to do something for them that they don’t want to do for themselves, such as cooking, cleaning and taking care of children.
- Housing Even if Sociopaths don’t directly ask for money, they may suggest living together. They may say it’s because they love you, when, in fact, they have no place to go.
- Entertainment Perhaps you’re part of an exciting social scene. The Sociopaths may want to be with you just to gain access to the people you know.
- Status Hanging out with you may be good for their image, especially if you’re rich, famous, successful or competent. Your status boosts their status.
- Image Perhaps the sociopath needs a partner like you to complete the image that he or she wants to present to the company or community.
- Cover Your presence may help them get away with a hidden agenda. You may be providing cover for the Sociopath to pursue a double life of sex, drugs or crime.
- Connections Sociopaths may use you, your skills and your connections in order to pursue their grandiose dreams or entrepreneurial plans.
- Duping delight Sociopaths enjoy getting over on people—this is called “duping delight.” They often manipulate, deceive and use people just for the fun of it. Some will seduce targets just so they can break their hearts.
- Domination Sociopaths feed on power and control, so they sometimes pursue domination for its own sake. They want to prove themselves more powerful than you, perhaps even powerful enough to destroy you.
If a sociopath shows interest in you, it’s because they see you as useful in some way. When you are no longer useful, you will be dumped.“ Donna Anderson – LoveFraud.com
Should you have the misfortune to be targeted by someone with narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD, borderline personality disorder, or other sociopathic tendencies, they may have you feeling trapped. And in a very real sense, you are! Because as long as you have something the narcissist wants, it is very unlikely that they will let you go.
Probably the hands-down most effective method of dealing with a narcissist is the Grayrock Technique. Skylar at 180rule.com describes it thus:
“When dealing with malignant narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, borderlines, drama queens, stalkers and other emotional vampires, it’s commonly advised that no response is the best response to unwanted attention. This is often true and No Contact (the avoidance of all communication) should be used whenever possible.”
The basic idea is to become as uninteresting as possible. Like a gray rock in a gravel driveway paved with gray rock. Maintain a demeanor as bland and uninteresting as possible, and don’t let the narcissist provoke you into anger. If you can, break off all contact with them, although this is not always possible because of children, work etc..
Many if not all narcissists thrive on drama and confrontation. If you know someone who is constantly getting into verbal and/or physical altercations, there’s a chance they could have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, or some other form of sociopathy.
Ordinary to Malignant
What do I know about narcissistic personality disorder? Well, I have done a ton of research on the subject, but addition I lived 10 years with a beautiful woman I will always love, but who gradually developed NPD until we could no longer live together.
Without going into a lot of personal details, when I met her, she was a vivacious, personable extrovert who was always the life of the party and the center of attention. She was brash, and confident, at least on the outside.
The old saying about ‘opposites attract’ was certainly true in our case.
Nine days after I met her, her Baby Brother died. And over the next 10 years was followed by Mother, Father, 2 Uncles and several friends one after the other. But the hardest blow was when her only child was in a horrific DUI accident. Of the three girls in the car, one was killed, one had minor injuries, and her Daughter lost a leg from above the knee.
There was more, but you get the idea. I have not seen anything to confirm it in my research, but there may be certain stressors that can turn ordinary narcissism into malignant narcism. This is just my opinion, but from all I can tell that is what happened.
Let me re-emphasize, you cannot fix someone with NPD or any other Sociopathic Personality Disorder. Specifically with NPD the sufferer has a very fragile self-image and ego, and cannot admit to being wrong.
What you should do.
If your partner will not agree to see a therapist or go to a behavioral health clinic for evaluation, you can either stay in the relationship and suffer, or find a way to move on.
If your partner does go to a mental health facility, or therapist, remember narcissists are masters at presenting a ‘normal’ front, and their problem may not be properly diagnosed. Your primary care provider, family doctor, or local health clinic is not usually equipped to diagnose the problem.
“There’s no such thing as an unimportant day.”
Someone just sent me this, and I found it very motivational.
“…your days are your life in miniature. as you live your hours, so you create your years. As you live your days, so you craft your life. What you do today is actually creating your future. The words you speak, the thoughts you think, the food you eat and the actions you take are defining your destiny, shaping who you are becoming and what your life will stand for. Small choices lead to giant consequences over time. There’s no such thing as an unimportant day.”
Thank You, RS
The more I ponder these words, the more truth, and wisdom I find. This is not a new concept to me, rather one I have known intellectually for many years.
I know a lot of things like that.
But that’s not really worth much, is it? When you know something in your head, but it doesn’t reach to your heart; (i.e.) you can’t apply it to your life, you don’t really know it do you?
So here in the gray of a new dawn, winter’s chill in the air, I realize that this is a new day, after all, and one I need to use to its full advantage…
Have all American Presidents Been Narcissistic?
It’s all you hear about these days in the ‘news’. “Donald Trump is a Narcissistic Sociopath!” “Unfit for Public Office!”
Seriously? Do they really think we are that stupid?
Of course, behind the push to discredit Trump, (who likely is an NPD) is nothing more than a bunch of disgruntled socialists who think victory is worth any cost, and will never admit defeat. How do you get any more Narcissistic than that? Sociopaths calling Trump a Sociopath…
But don’t take MY word for it. PressTV ran an excellent article back in September of this year. In the article they make it clear that ‘Two infamous narcissists ran for president in 2016’ not just Trump.
Anyone not blinded by party affiliation or rhetoric would have to admit this was true.
Are ALL Presidential Candidates suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
I tend to think they probably are, but I will admit it’s debatable. What’s harder to deny is the evidence from reputable studies, such as the one performed by a team of psychologists and published online by the journal Psychological Science.
“Recent research and theorizing suggest that narcissism may predict both positive and negative leadership behaviors. We tested this hypothesis with data on the 42 U.S. presidents up to and including George W. Bush, using (a) expert-derived narcissism estimates, (b) independent historical surveys of presidential performance, and (c) largely or entirely objective indicators of presidential performance. Grandiose, but not vulnerable, narcissism was associated with superior overall greatness in an aggregate poll; it was also positively associated with public persuasiveness, crisis management, agenda setting, and allied behaviors, and with several objective indicators of performance, such as winning the popular vote and initiating legislation. Nevertheless, grandiose narcissism was also associated with several negative outcomes, including congressional impeachment resolutions and unethical behaviors. We found that presidents exhibit elevated levels of grandiose narcissism compared with the general population, and that presidents’ grandiose narcissism has been rising over time. Our findings suggest that grandiose narcissism may be a double-edged sword in the leadership domain.”
Simple logic would suggest that the kind of leadership skills that would propel someone to the top of the very large pile that is American politics, could only be had by the most Narcissistic of individuals. Ones who never spend any time wondering if they are right or wrong. As a matter of fact, the study rated 42 US Presidents, 15 of whom had Grandiose Narcissism scores higher than the overall average.
They come from both parties. Two authors of the study, New York Times titled “The Narcissist in Chief.”went on to collaborate on an op-ed article for the
“We found that narcissism, specifically “grandiose narcissism” — an amalgam of flamboyance, immodesty and dominance — was associated with greater overall presidential success.”
In an article for The National Review, January 13, 2017 , Mona Charen points out that Barack Obama was a Narcissistic Personality Disorder of the highest caliber.
“President Obama had been criticized (even by the New York Times) for enjoying himself on the golf course after ISIS beheaded American James Foley in 2014 (he was photographed with that broad grin). And yet, his coldness persisted.”
When Kayla Mueller a volunteer for Doctors Without Borders was kidnapped by ISIS outside a hospital:
“What followed was the worst nightmare imaginable. For 18 months, she was held in confinement, often solitary. We’ve learned, from the accounts of other hostages who were subsequently released, that she was incredibly brave. When one of her captors told others that she had converted to Islam, she contradicted him. ISIS terrorists denied her sleep and medical care. They shaved her head, repeatedly raped her, and pulled out her fingernails.”
“Her frantic parents attempted everything they could to secure her release, only to be threatened by the Obama administration with criminal liability for aiding terrorists if they paid ransom.”
“Oh, But Trump is ‘Unfit’ to be President Because of His Narcissism”
America had two choices last election cycle. Donald Trump, or Hillary Clinton. And as Tammy Bruce so clearly states it in her Washington Times op-ed,
“Hillary’s performance is a case-study in malignant narcissism with all the attendant paranoia and disturbing inability to consider other (now dead) human beings at the center of the inquiry.”
“Hillary’s horrid nature was made clear as she paid never a thought to the families of the fallen who watched her repulsive display during and after the hearing, as she waxed sentimentally about her own survival.”
When you learn how to recognize Narcissistic Personality Disorder, It becomes clear thatpretty much ALL politicians on the national level have it to some degree.
Yes I Did
I voted for Trump. But not because he is a great guy. My vote was against the candidate who has a string of mysterious deaths following her and her husband around since the 70’s. Against the candidate who celebrated surviving her hearing about Benghazi where American citizens died because of her. Against the candidate whose modus operandi comes straight out of ‘Rules for Radicals’.
Since we have what is basically a 2-party system, that meant I had to vote for Trump. They are both Narcissists, but Trump had a better record.